Friday, October 10, 2014


      I was sitting having coffee with my Dad this morning and my iPad sounded off a notification. I did do the system update and I personally really enjoy it. It did, however connect my devises together so I have all the same shit on everything. Normally pretty cool. This time however was the first time since that I actually heard the iPad make a noise. It was a phone call, and it was from Sarah. The last time(s) I heard that I was recovering at Bethezda. She had brought me my iPad which I really never use, but it was obviously bigger than my phone and the idea was I could practice on that to get my fingers and the rest of my strength back. No way I was able to use my cell phone, I would have dropped it more times than not from shaking and spasms. Sarah would call me to do face time, and I would try and "talk" to baby Scarlett. It was something else. How frustrating and super hard to answer because the iPad felt like it was at least 20 pounds and I had extreme difficulty swiping the screen to answer the call and I missed several calls over time. I felt so bad because I couldn't be there with them and they wanted the same. I felt like shit but tried my best to look and act as good as I could but Sarah knew better.
      I would look at the pictures on the wall of our family that she left for me and my damn hallucinations would take over.  It still is in the back of my mind thinking about those pictures. I was dead set that Sarah gave birth to about 30 baby girls and we only cared for Scarlett. The others were hidden by the hospital staff until we figured what to do. One of the girls aged really quickly but she had physical problems and just sat in this specific desk chair made for her and her half formed head braced in this cup shaped support pillow, always staring the other way. Creepy as hell. I asked Sarah one time about 'her' and all the other babies and wtf we were going to do. (At least I think I did) I am not sure what her answer was, other than we will take care of them as ours. Omg.
     Those pictures, I tell ya, I didn't want them taken down but they basically haunted me. I swear a Doctor came in to check on me one night and was looking at our family pictures and said how beautiful we were. He politely asked the names of us and I had difficulty naming Scarlett at first so I felt terrible about that and then he asked me about the picture with Sarah right after birth. She was holding Scarlett and the IV's were in her arm and he asked who the extra baby's arm was. We 'decided' it was just a poor angel of the picture. Ugh..
       It is amazing what one little thing, sound, visual, smell, touch, taste can bring you back to something, something déjà vu but can't always put your finger on what it exactly is. I don't want to sound like a phone call to my iPad from my wife gets me all wacked out, but it sure did bring back this entire memory, false memory or not. I do know for sure that Satah did in fact call me and Scarlett was there because I have video and audio from some of those times that she replays them.
       Hardly even knowing your newborn baby girl and not even being able to hold her sure is something I don't wish upon anyone. So fortunate and, not to get religious, but blessed for how lucky I truly am after all of this. Not sure what was in that coffee Dad :)


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