Saturday, November 29, 2014

Mall Doctor Appointment

I had a dream in the hospital where I was at an appointment for some procedure. Never really could put a finger on to where I was or what I was doing there exactly but it was at a mall style building complex where the waiting room was on one floor and the doctors office was upstairs. I was there with Sarah and she had to convince me to go like it was good for me to be there for whatever reason. She had some shopping to do and was to leave me there and come pick me up when I was ready. Ok, so I don't know if this was because all the new blood being transfused into me while being sick or what, but in my dream I could control my blood. More specifically I could control the temperature of my blood to where I could get it hot enough to burn someone by touching me or I could do the same to whatever I touched as well. Now I'm not going to go as far as Stephen King's 'Firestarter' ability, but if I concentrated enough I could mess some shit up or maybe even kill someone. Ok, so back to my appointment. I didn't want to be there, but Sarah knew best and knew that I needed to be there for therapy or whatever it was that I was there for. I was sick, weak and in a wheelchair, but I wasn't completely out of it. So I get called in and the nurse lady starts doing her check ups on me and I start getting really uncomfortable, anxious and nervous. She was going to do a blood draw and I stopped her, saying I wanted to be done and leave. She got upset and grabbed my arm and said she had to do this and it would be better and easier if I just relaxed. I could feel my blood temperature rising although I tried to hold it back, she felt the heat on her hand and jerked it away, but she also gave me a big crazy smile like she found what she was looking for and called in another lady to help secure me in my chair and put restraints on me. I tried getting to my phone to call Sarah but I just couldn't as I was too weak to fend off these two ladies. The Doctor came in next and started to tell me that he was only here to help and that I would be better off with his help which is why his nurses were forceful with me. He said if I wanted to leave, he would personally call Sarah and I could go. I said that I wanted to leave and to call my wife. He did, and shortly after I was untied and Sarah came in wondering why I wanted to leave. I said that I wanted to talk in private so we did and I told her that they were trying to hurt me and they want my blood for something. Sarah tried calming me down saying they were just running tests and the blood draw was scheduled and that everything would be fine. She said we could leave if I really wanted to but it would be weeks before we would be able to come back in. But, she also said she told the nurses that if she found out I was telling the truth there would be hell to pay. I reluctantly listened to her and believed her, feeling that maybe I was just overly medicated and paranoid, and realized the Doctor was actually nice to me, so I decided to give it one more try. Sarah said she would wait out side the door and to let her know if I needed anything. I went back in and the first nurse lady had the told-you-so shit grin going on and proceeded to draw my blood. Soon after the Doctor came back with the results and he was overly happy. I didn't understand what was going on as they didn't tell me anything or why. I then received some sort of shot that was really making me drowsy and I was afraid it was going to knock me out. The Doctor told his nurses to get my wife. I was really confused and I think I passed out for awhile as when I looked up they had Sarah in an exam chair and were about to give her a shot or draw blood or something I couldn't tell, but I yelled out Stop! I guess I came through sooner than they had hoped as they came to tie me up with more restraints as well as holding Sarah in her chair. They began to try and do some type of procedure on my inner legs, almost like some sort of tattoo on my groin or lord knows what. Sarah got upset and said to stop and it was time to leave. They ignored her and kept on prepping me up for whatever they had in mind. Apparently this office underestimated the degree of hell they were about to get from pissing off my wife as she looked at me and told me to get loose, it was time to go. Roger that honey! So, I started boiling up the temperature of my blood and I was soon too hot for them to touch me. The Doctor now in a panic and getting all aggressive called in for back up but Sarah had managed to trip him and managed to get free from the nurses yelling at them about how she should have trusted me. Now the room is packed full of this office's staff has all gone crazy and they are trying to kill us. Every time these people tried to grab me they would get burnt but that only made them stronger and crazier. Sarah is behind me now and has my restraints untied and tells me to stop messing around and to get us out of here now before we are killed. She starts pushing my wheelchair towards the door and I feel like I have lava flowing through me, so I would grab anyone I could and hold them long enough until they would burst out on fire and burn to death. Each
person I grabbed went faster and faster to thier fiery death until the last person standing was the
Doctor. He told me that if we leave we will only be found again and they will get what they want. Sarah swears back to him that today's not the day and it won't be you, then says F you, you're dead too and then says my name. I look him in the eyes and steam is coming off my bald head and I'm sweating purfusly as the Doc starts to scream in pain and hold his hands up to his face as his head starts on fire. Then we leave. We felt content with ourselves, like we made a great team and had each others back. (Minus the multiple homocides:)
I had other dreams spawned off from this one, and I remembered a couple others while writing this. Was strange dream in the fact that I was in my coma and knew nothing that was going on, like blood transfusions, being in a wheelchair, and doctor appointments. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

This ain't no Bates Motel

This past Sunday we went to the Packer game at TCF Bank field and we spent the night next door at the hotel that Sarah spent many nights at while I was in the hospital. I think it is called The Commons, but maybe it has a technical name or whatever, but it was a little strange regardless. I mean she would stay there, 9 months pregnant while wondering how I would be the next day; alive, dead, worse, better, or if I would wake up in time to be there for Scarlett being born. She was born in New Richmond, and I didn't wake until 6 days after that. There were more times that Sarah and Scarlett would stay at this hotel now, waiting for me to come through. Finally, of course, I did. I'm not sure why I had a funny feeling in my belly being there, as I never have been to this hotel before or had even heard of it. Even after I woke up and had learned that she spent some nights there, I had my own visions of this hotel and dreams of what it was like to have been there. Not sure if my dreams or Sarah's reality was worse. I mean the hotel was very nice, clean, had free shuttle service, lobby with computer access and a restaurant as well as an Applebee's all inside thier doors. But as I know my wife, I know how difficult it would have been to either go all the way back to New Richmond and be in our empty home, or stay in an unfamiliar hotel with nobody she knew around while carrying a baby, pre and post birth. My dreams of course tended to be whacky, scary, and although I didn't know it at the time, untrue. I mean I thought there were 3 people out to kill me. I couldn't figure out why they wanted to, as they even felt some remorse in knowing they were supposed to, and while they tried multiple times, they didn't succeed in doing so, they 'only' whooped my ass multiple times and scared the living hell out of me. I soon had false memories of them not being able to find me but they knew that Sarah was staying at a near by hotel and we're going to go after her to try and get to me. Messed up, I know, and I have a more detailed story about that but I have decided to save it for another time. I think maybe this was in the back of my mind while we were there Sunday night. Huge thanks to family members who would visit her there, instead of always at the hospital. Granted, they visited me too, but she was there every day, and she needed to get away at least some of the time before she lost all her marbles. But she kept it together and even got released early after having Scarlett needing to come see me and hoping that having our new baby girl in my hospital room could help me. It had to have! Lots of things will trigger strange memories, lots of things will remind me of my dreams whether false or actual dreams. Lots of things will make me quest what happened, why it did, why it didn't, or timeframes of specifics. Most of these are helpful in remembering things, although the majority of my memories are no fun to relive. We may never stay there again, but if we do, I think I will have more of the same strange feelings in my belly that time as well. 


P.S. Yes the Packers won!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

**Religious Views**

(Pre-illness, written last September, unedited:)


As young child I remember going to my grandparents house and they had holy water set up to dip your finger in and make the sign of the cross. This was the same practice as with the churches that I attended. My family went to two churches, both of which were catholic churches and the same clergy held responsibility on both locations. We prayed before bed. We set up the Christmas tree with the Star on the top, we had a wood carved manger that we enjoyed setting up and later as we grew older we went to Midnight Mass. Our family went to church every Sunday and most every other catholic holiday such as Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and of course Christmas and Easter. We followed along with the sermon and sang along with the songs and participated in communion. We later had books to follow along with the sermons prayer. My brother and I went to CCD and graduated. I enjoyed this as a youth and learned much. Then I grew up and started asking myself some religious questions such as why is this in the Bible and why is that considered a sin. Late in my high school years I went to less and less church and didn't miss it. Many friends had broken families, and while different than mine, I saw no sin in how there lifestyles were.  I went to college and basically gave it up entirely going to church and have ever sense. Now, I walk into a church for weddings or funerals. Major difference there. 

About 15 years ago my good friend and I would always get into discussions about religion. Usually it was after several beers. Was he right or was I right? It didn't matter really at the time. I then started to ask him why he felt the way he did, and he said because that was how he was taught growing up. Sounded familiar. I used to be the same way, I felt the same way because that was how it was "supposed to be." He began to agree with me. Then I felt terrible. Who am I to "change" what someone believes. My friend and I went to the same church together as kids, although we didn't become friends until college. Did I ruin his beliefs, did I cause arguments with his own family? We continue to be great friends, but I've never talked to him about those old topics again. I really don't ever discuss religion anymore with anyone, and if I do, its with little prejudice and even less argumentative. Through it all I feel I have gained quite a bit of knowledge concerning religion. By no means am I going to be a Priest, write a book, or preach anything from what I've learned. However, I feel confident in my decision that I have made and feel safe and content with my place in God's eye. To me, God is who or what you feel you need him to be. Have I prayed to God? Of course. Do I often? Nope. But God does mean something, still to me and my family and loved ones. 

My son has yet to be baptized like all the relatives in my family have. I have no intention of doing so. Some other family members have taken him to church. He likes it. This is great! It is a learning experience for him and I'm all for that. If he decides later on growing up or as an adult to do so, I'll be there in a heartbeat. My wife and I are expecting a child this Spring and I believe we feel the same way about the future baby. Growing up I had fun going to church. Later on growing up I started enjoying the historical factors of church and religion. Now it is not much at all a part of me. Too many bad things heard about members of the catholic church and corruption. I will not get into the Middle East or any other group that has wrecked havoc on this world. 

I plan to never post about religion again. This is how I feel. This is what I believe. Nobody needs to feel or believe the same way, live life how you choose and may God be there how he is needed.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

**Previuos Writings**

* Back in September of 2013 I started writing. I wasn't sure about a blog or diary or anything like that, but I just felt like it was time write. I enjoy it, and at the same time, had a little more time at that point. It didn't last very long as work got to be more busy during the fall/winter and with Sarah then pregnant it just wasn't something that was the right time to keep it going. So I stopped, and shortly after I got sick. I had almost forgotten about these letters I wrote, as I only wrote them to myself. But, I did save them in my email folder and came across them just today. This was the first one I wrote back then (and the only one I have reread to this point) so I am going to post them on my blog now, starting with this one. Enjoy! Oh, and they are all entirely unedited.

I will put an asterisk (*) on each post to show the difference.


*Chinese Proverb (written September of LAST year '13)

Back in September of 2013 I started writing. I wasn't sure about a blog or diary or anything like that, but I just felt like it was time write. I enjoy it, and at the same time, had a little more time at that point. It didn't last very long as work got to be more busy during the fall/winter and with Sarah then pregnant it just wasn't something that was the right time to keep it going. So I stopped, and shortly after I got sick. I had almost forgotten about these letters I wrote, as I only wrote them to myself. But, I did save them in my email folder and came across them just today. This was the first one I wrote back then (and the only one I have reread to this point) so I am going to post them on my blog now, starting with this one. Enjoy! Oh, and they are all entirely unedited.

A chart found in an ancient royal tomb in China says it can predict the gender of a baby with 90% accuracy. Strange that the chart is in English. Strange that the pictures of the babies are clearly not Chinese. China has tombs? Well either way, I'm taking my chances with our doctor looking live at our ultra sound to tell and show me if we've made Ken or Barbie.  
Gestation, uterus, leakage. Sickness, cramps, swelling. Hormones, crying, stress. Golly, can't wait.
Why is it that the size of the growing baby seems to always be referred to that of a fruit. I look at my 6 year old and after all these years I see no resemblance of a grape, cherry, orange or anything citrusy or in anyway something I enjoy as a snack. 'Hey its week nine and your baby is the size of a prune'.. No wonder I'm gaining weight, because I am putting the fruit down and eating beef jerky.
Been there, done that. First results are back from the hospital visit and everything is looking good and going great. Healthy baby, boy or girl, it matters not. (OK maybe but I will get back to that later.) Why do names matter so much so early? I remember back in grade school playing that game where you pick where you'd live, how many kids, profession, kid names, spouse and all that crazy stuff nobody was ready for. I have no recollection of any names I ever picked or really any other 'answers' to the game, it was silly and something to pass time, and maybe, just maybe that one of the gamers was someone you liked and would pick our name. Now its different. Need to come up with a name. Now. I really don't see the hurry, I say wait until we get the gender results and then we can talk about names. When my 6 year old was born, we had no clue what names we liked. We didn't find out the gender either, but didn't come up with any list of names. The name just hit us and we loved it and can't see any name more fitting. Now, with this child we are going to find out the gender, but until then, I'm uncomfortable thinking of names. I hear some names and they just don't flow with my last name. I'm not naming my child something that will undoubtedly make it an easy teasing target for as a kid growing up. The 6 plus years since the last time I had a child seems a lifetime ago. Am I ready to do this all over again? Diapers, crying, no sleep, stress, money, formula, family, family, family, doctors, and did I mention diapers. 

I am in a loving family. We all love each other. We are all looking forward to the new edition. Baby will be a blessing and will be loved forever.

Been there, done that.. Really? Have I mentioned that I am 38 years old. My 6 year old is from my previous marriage. I currently work 7 days a week. My kid adores my spouse, and has only known us to be together as we have been for well over 5 years. This is what I love. My family. I'm really adding another? Holy change, wow. Where will I find time, how will I be there to love and support and take care of all the things a parent and spouse is supposed to. I don't know. But I'm going to do it. Not always the right way I'm sure, but I will do it as happily and lovingly as I can. I know there will be time I will feel like scratching many eyes out. But it is up to me to stay strong and supportive. 

7 months to go. Has it even set in yet... 

Been there, done that? Oh.. By the way, I am a Dad. My 6 year old is a boy. He could be the last one to keep my family name going. When I decided it was time, all I wanted was a son. I have one, and I thought I was done, I didn't think I would ever have more children. Well I am now. My wife doesn't know, but if I had a choice, I would chose to have a girl. I don't want to tell her this because I don't want her to get her hopes up. I don't want to tell her because that's what the Chinese chart told her it'd be. I think about a girl because she'd be daddy's little girl, forever. I think about a girl because I think that's what my wife wants. I think about a girl because I want her to marry a great guy and have babies. My side of  the family is very small. I almost feel like I have the duty, no the honor of carrying out my Father's name. A girl seems right. I thought my 6 year old was a boy and I was right. Am I right again? Matters not. But it does. Very weird feeling.

Baby names come later. Painting the baby room comes later. Now it's support and comfort to my wife, and to the growing fruit in her belly. 

I should go now. Wife is sleeping. She doesn't need me, but she does. She sleeps better with me there. This is important. I know this and several other things, I just have to follow through with it and be the person that she fell in love with. I need to be the person she wants to raise a child with. I need us to be there for the 6 year old.  He needs us. I need to take weekly pictures of growing baby, I need to check my phone app on baby changes and be interested in how the little teeth grow, that my fruit pees, that the sex will be developed and known to us soon enough. Diapers. Ugh. 

I am scared. But I realize what it takes. And its amazing.

Week 10, here we come.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Reoccurring Dreams...

I decided to change the title of this post from Freddy Krueger to Reoccurring Dreams.

Ever have those reoccurring dreams? Maybe where you are running from something or someone trying to get to a safer place and you just can't ever seem to get there? Maybe because you are stuck in the mud, or your legs aren't working or it's just too far away? I've had these, but have never been 'caught' as far as I can recall. Another dream I have had over and over coincide with my job throughout the years. I'm at work behind the bar (pick a bar lol) and its busy. Super busy. And nothing seems to be stocked or everything seems to run out but people just keep coming in, by the dozens, piling up on each other ordering drinks and food. The shift has just started and place is packed and a mess, and I know I have a good ten hours ahead of me before I can even clean. Then nobody leaves, so busy it takes 3 or 4 hours to get people to leave after bar close and the cops say it's ok to keep serving and serving. Wouldn't call it a nightmare but I have had this dream numerous times throughout my years. I do believe dreams have meanings behind them. While my busy bar dreams seems relatively easy to figure out, others may not be so simple.

Case in point:

     Theses dreams I had were after being in my coma. I was somewhat aware and knew a little of what was going on with me and where I was. I was in Bethezda recovering, I had yet to start any rehab so my muscles were extremely weak so I couldn't move much at all. But when I slept I had several dreams and in this case I had this dream three times, each just a little different. In the first two I died, and in the last one I lived. But, it wasn't just me who was dying, it was everyone, in the world. I am not for certain if the killers were zombies, or vampires or some mutated something or what, but they were out to end human life. The thing was though, as soon as all our lives ended, we would start all over. We would start where we left off as far as age, communication and family, but there was nothing else on Earth besides normal nature. It was up to us as humans to find a way to grow again. And if we didn't do it correctly it was just a matter of time before we would be wiped out all over again and have to start over from scratch yet again. What a mind screw that would be, huh. Just imagine.. Everyone in the world started from scratch, other than what we knew, remembered or could retell to make the world great. It didn't get deep into politics or religion or war, medicine or computers, just basically living and figuring out how to live again. As it turns out, it was my job to let the world know about sports. Apparently that's my genius side lol. I didn't ever talk to the others, but I knew there were some out there that had the same burden as me, to let the world know how it was and what we need to remember and teach our children. However, I felt the best step was to not allow this to happen in the first place and to defend ourselves! But as I am laying almost helpless in my hospital bed the only thing I could remotely protect was myself. But I needed help. Selfish, sorry.
     Most people didn't realize what was happening and why everyone was dying around us, but apparently I knew, and I tried telling my nurses. I was in some sort of assistant living apartment where nurses and doctors would watch and care for me and visitors were infrequent. The first nurse wouldn't listen to me, granted I couldn't really talk as I had my trachea making it nearly impossible but I could whisper some, warning her of what was going to happen if we didn't do something. Well, strange I know, but she thought I was crazy and put my to sleep. When I woke up (still sleeping/dreaming) she was gone and most of the lights in my apartment were out. My TV was still on and I was watching a football game and I started trying to remember as much as I could about the history of the sport in case this was the night I was killed. Then the front window breaks and in come 'the bad guys' whoever they were. I tried calling for my nurse but I am sure she was dead and I tried to get away, well this was pointless as I had nowhere to go even if I could. Then it happened, they killed me, dead. Well, here is my second chance now I guess, as I am in the same position in the same room, but my nurse was new. Again I tried telling this one what was about to happen and that it already did once, and surprisingly, not, she thought I was crazy too and put me to sleep as well. Ok so this time after I came through I decided to do as much research as fast as possible on sports, and as a homer would be, most of my research was on who I liked or respected as professional athletes
growing up. I tried to get as much as I could from Lombardi to Barry Sanders to Aaron Rodgers,
Babe Ruth to Mickey Mantle to Barry Bonds to Ryan Braun, Wilt Chamberlain to Jordan to Lebron
and even Gretzky and Tiger. I tried to remember as much as I could as quickly as possible so I could
do my duty to spread the knowledge of sports history to the world so us and our children could grow knowing the past, even after we all died off. Well, again the bad guys broke in and again I was watching sports on TV and I tried getting away but I couldn't and I was killed again. This time seemed worse and more painful for whatever reason and it also really scared the shit out of me more than the first time. Ok, so now I'm back again, this time I know my nurse. He has helped me before and I am concentrating on telling him the truth and getting him to help us all survive. He wouldn't belive me but he would actually listen. Maybe because he knew what I've went through and while highly sick and even higher medicated he knew I wasn't actually crazy. He didn't do much at first just listened. This went on for two days. I thought I was getting him somewhere on believing me and helping and we could fight back together. Well the lights started to get dim in my room and it was night out, this is when my nurse started getting nervous. Maybe he actually believed what was happening around the world and that it was coming to the end. He reluctantly came to me and asked what I wanted to do. I wish I could remember what I really wanted to do, can only assume it was to leave and go someplace safer and get word out that things were true, but I don't recall. I just know that he didn't want to do anything but wait. Wait until the lights came back on and move along his day. I did what I could to grab his arm and whisper as loudly as I could 'yelling' that if he left this room he would die and so would I and the world as we knew it would as well. He was about to give me shot to relax me and put me to sleep when windows down the hall started breaking. We heard people screaming and dying and he quickly went and locked the doors. He came back to my bed and said he believed me now and asked what to do. I'm thinking too late dipshit, but I tried to stay focused. I mean, hey, maybe 3 strikes and I really am out, no coming back. We tried to start a fire to set off the sprinkler system but that didn't stop anything, they were getting closer and closer and were at the door now trying to break in. It was loud and scary and my nurse was panicking as much as me. Just as they broke the door down I grabbed him with all my strength and collapsed the bed curtains around us, covering us up and I yelled to him do it!! I guess he knew what I meant because he
knocked the hoses off one of the medical tanks which ignited and blew the apartment up, everyone
inside included, besides us. He finally believed me and at the last minute he saved me and himself
and all of us!

I never had the dream again. The next time I saw this nurse (for real) I called him over and thanked him. I really did. He looked confused of course, and I couldn't talk well, but I thanked him and gave him a thumbs up. He said you're welcome but asked why. I didn't try to explain, but just told him that he saved me, thanks for believing me. Yeah, crazy :) plus I don't know if hospital room tanks blow up like that but hey, sue me lol.

Like I said before at the beginning of this post, dreams make sense more times than not, at least for me. I like to think about what my dreams were and what they could mean throughout my life. I don't always come up with the answer, and wouldn't know if I were right or wrong, I believe though that it is helpful for me. This dream..?  I'm not sure. I do know some nurses were more helpful than others and took great care of me and my family while I recovered. Angels!?!

So next time that creeper down the road says they dated the Queen of France, danced on the moon or invented the shovel, maybe they just need to be heard. Maybe there is a hidden message they are telling you. Or call the cops cause they are whacked and we don't need that shit :)


Tuesday, November 18, 2014


This beautiful little girl of mine is quite the special blessing. She is a wonderful treat to see her everyday and watching her grow. I feel her love all the time. Seems like a long, long 7 years ago when Ryan was this age. Because of everything that has happened I get to spend way more time with Scarlett than I was able to with Ryan. I am sure I have tripled the amount of diapers I changed in my life now and it's not all bad, I mean the smells can be near devastating to my nostrils but she is usually rather cooperative in helping in the process. She is very close to crawling and actually can go backwards which is funny to watch. She travels around in her play walker like a 3 year old would walk and knows where she wants to go.
I can't believe how much my two kids love each other. They hold hands and Ryan tries to teach her how to hug. I'm in no hurry having her grow up any quicker as I really am enjoying being able to hold her in my arms and have her sleep with me and be such a cuddle bug. Sometimes she has a little attitude but it usually is overly dramatic and comical as she, well usually gets what she wants anyway! She's been saying "dadda" for a good month now. I'm sure it's just sounds but hey, I am not going to argue! Sarah was looking at some pictures on the computer the other day and one of them was a picture of just me at our wedding and Scarlett looks and says "dadda" and that was super cute.
I feel like we have a connection in the time we have been in this world together. She was learning how to deal with life outside her 9 month home and sleeping all the time. I was a totally different person who was trying to learn to talk, walk, swallow, etc. I awoke from my slumber and missed her Birth day by 6 days. Hopefully she doesn't hold that against me when she gets older :)  I can see her being 16 and ask to borrow the maxi-van to go hang out with her friends and to use twitter10.4 or whatever those crazy kids will be doing then and I'll be like, 'baby girl it's a school night, so I'm sorry but no you can't borrow the maxi-van tonight, maybe tomorrow.' And she would be like, 'Dad, stop acting so dope, you are sooo un-cool, I'm almost an adult, besides remember that time you slept for 6 days when I was born?' Then I'd cry and be like, 'here's the keys, be safe with the maxi-van and tweet me later, and don't tell Mom.' And she'd be like, 'can I take the porche?' Lol. 
Anyway. Love this little princess and so happy to have her in my life and an awesome addition to the family. 


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Sunday, November 16, 2014

Love you, Daddy

Dad if you're reading this, remember, it's just a dream(s)....

a.) I've mentioned in other dreams where I have been involved with elevators in one way or another and each time is about me not wanting to go for that ride. This part here I am in about the worst shape I can 'remember' and I have this in a quote because I feel like it wasn't exactly a dream, at least not entirely. I'm not sure if this is before, during, or after my ampho treatments or being on the ventilator or just from sleeping in my coma but I felt like absolute hell. I was in terrible pain.. beaten, bleeding, gasping to air, shaking, cold and holding on to life. But I was fighting, with whatever I could physically or maybe more so mentally find any strength to hold on, I was. Then my Dad comes to me, I can't open my eyes because of the pain, but even if I could I probably couldn't see anyway from all of the tears in my eyes. I can visualize his face though. It was strained and saddened yet strong and  clear. Just like his voice. He talked to me like he was proud. Dad has been proud of me before, but this was different. This was the proudness for what he got to witness and be part of as well as being proud to watch me grow. Now he had to watch me not live. It was his time to tell me that I should be proud of myself and that I fought as hard as I could. It was time for him to tell me to let go and stop hurting myself. It was time for him to tell me to stop hurting my loved ones and others battling for me to live. Like always, I was stubborn, and scared shitless. I wasn't ready, but I also wasn't able to do anything about it. I just lay there, painfully in my hospital bed, listing to my Dad. He told me a few stories, stories I've never heard before. Didn't matter if they were true stories or made up or something from both sides like us smart ass Moore's do. I cried and I listened. Went on for lord knows how long. Cry and listen. Then I threw up. Felt like I threw up everywhere but I only recall the taste in my mouth, lasted forever and I kept on vomiting in my mouth. Then Dad said it was time, time to move on to the my chapter. Then I was on to that damn elevator. Soaked in my own blood, sweat, vomit and tears I went, trying to yell out but I couldn't. 

b.) The other part of this involves me not being in as much pain, but rather me being very very cold and motionless while strapped into my bed. Not sure why I was strapped because I couldn't move anything anyway, other than my eyes. I had thought someone had tried to kill me by breaking the elevator or pushing me down into the next floor or however this person did it, but either way I had fallen and broken my back. My thought was I fell down that damn elevator and ended up breaking nearly every bone in my body and was paralyzed. I guess this elevator ride had taken me up to the very top floor of this tall building. It wasn't much of a floor, but more like a utility room with an iron ladder from the opening of the elevator down to a smaller area (almost like the empty elevator shaft itself.)  Then it became almost a 'who-dun-it' mystery. Ever played the board game or seen the movie "Clue"? Somewhat like that. I had a memory of each and every person who could have caused this accident or purposely tried to kill me. Then I see the elevator door open and out comes my Dad. I was really confused and frightened. Didn't I just see him? Didn't he just say goodbye? Well, maybe that was just a dream! He came over to me with even more concern on his face and he asked me what I was doing. I told him about the 'plot' to kill me. He looked interested to me and quickly became like my murder narrator. I would whisper to him each person who could have done this and he would give me legitimate reasons why that couldn't have happened. Couldn't tell you any names or even any faces for that matter, but there were at least a half a dozen people who I questioned. Each time, Dad came with a valid reason why it didn't or couldn't have happened. I soon began to believe him, and started to realize that not only did I not have an accident, I didn't fall at all. I just didn't, die. I'm not sure if I felt like I lied to Dad or let him down or what was going on, but I do know that I cried some more, and started to realize how sick I was, that I never fell and broke anything, and worse so, how hard this had to have been for my Dad. I know I ended up throwing up in my mouth again, and I swear I really did (in actuality) because the taste was so real. All I recall after this was saying goodbye to my Dad and getting into the elevator again. I wasn't scared now, at least not like before and my eyes had dried. The now, for whatever reason, much nicer elevator doors shut and I could feel it was moving. I was heading to my death. My battle was over and I couldn't fight anymore. The last recollection I had was grabbing my bed restraints and pulling them towards my chest in anger. Wait, I can move....?

Once again Dad, if you read this, it was only a dream. Don't feel sadness. If anything you talked me through this. Like only we Moore's can. 


P.S. No I am not saying I did or didn't see the light. But I didn't. 
But, I'm thankfull that it wasn't my time. Too many fighters and prayers for that I guess :)


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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Stadium Living

I remember having this dream while in my coma where I was really sick and staying in the basement of Fenway Park, the home of the Boston Red Sox. Attached to the field was a catholic church. The basement was basically the back room of the home team's locker room, so I could hear the games and hear everything that went on in the locker room, including team prayers from the neighboring priests. After every game was a big party, every single night, even with the priests. Nights would go into the early hours of the morning all the time. Most of the players would finish partying here at the Park and then go out downtown. These guys would come back to the park drunker than hell every night and sleep until right before they took the field. I always wondered if they went to Cheers lol. It was either Spring or Fall because it was cold, but the players seemed to be partying like it was Fall and maybe even the playoffs. The basement was a shit hole. Lights rarely worked, water would drip everywhere, and most of the players slept there.

Like I said I was super sick in my dream here and could really not get out of my bed to do much at all. I remember times when it would get so loud inside late at night that the cops would come and knock on the front door and everyone would hide. They were not very good at hiding because they couldn't stop laughing. This was comical to me because I've been that drunken idiot once or many times that I thought things were funny when they were not, even if it was serious. I used to get so scared because I wasn't doing anything wrong and didn't want to go to jail. Well that soon changed for me because the cops basically just laughed as they would come and 'inspect' the place and tell the players to try and keep it down and be ready to party when they are off duty to whoop it up with them. I don't think they ever saw me, or maybe they just didn't care about the sickly dude in the corner.

One of the team trainers would give me medicine. I think this is the same guy I have had in other dreams who would give me medicine. He is faceless though so I can't be for sure, and that is for another day. Anyway. Sometimes I wondered if he was there to help me or to shut me up. Not sure. Not like I'd narc on them for whatever, but I was just laying there day in and day out in my bed trying not to get into any trouble. Sometimes I would take his medicine and I would be out for hours. Sometimes I would take his medicine and it would fill like days before I woke up again. So this trainer, was really nice and maybe he was trying to help, as sometimes I would feel better and he would even ask me to join in on the festivities from time to time. Maybe in my 'sleep' I would converse with some players because they started talking to me more often and even offered to help me with things, while others asked for suggestions or help concerning their game. I still didn't feel right actually partying with them as I wasn't drinking then let alone vertical most times and obviously  because I wasn't a player, and not even a Sox fan lol.

However, with respect, I decided to offer assistance in helping them party so I could feel included while the players, and cops and priests could have fun too. So, of course, I built a bar! Duh. I couldn't really work since I didn't have the energy so I hired Sarah and she would work most of the hours. I would clean up after the night (morning) was over and I would set up during the game so they would be ready to party as soon as the game got over. Tips were great! It was fun, they would now party it up inside Fenway instead of going out and getting into trouble. Drinks were about as cheap as could be and we continued this on until I woke up. Bummer. Sorry, no idea how their season ended or what else happened in my dream. Dang!!
Go Brewers lol.


What if it wasn't me

Been thinking lately on how I would have felt to not be the one who had gotten sick. And not boo-hoo why me stuff cause shit happens. But I think it would be more difficult if it were not me and was a loved one. What if it were Sarah? I'm not sure if I would have known what to do.. Close the bar? Keep it open and try to fill shifts? Work as much as I could but visit every day and sleep there every night? I really don't know. What would it have been like if I had to see her day in and day out not knowing what the hell was going on or how long before she would wake up and recover. Or if she would at all. I'm sure I would try and do all of the above and try not to get frustrated with everything and the doctors as they would try and tell me stuff and I'd probably be clueless in whatever they'd be telling me. Sarah had a journal going and took notes from the doctor and nurses. What if I were the one pregnant? Ok not that. But still. She dealt with family members, started a FB page, benefits, etc. My wife is slightly stubborn but she never seemed to lose focus on anything, me, baby, the bar, finances, scheduling, everything. I would hope that I would do the right thing, the stuff that she would want me to do. I would hope that she would be proud of me in whichever route I decided best for our family while still being by her side. This isn't supposed to sound selfish, like I would only be thinking of myself here, but I was in a coma for like 6 weeks, what would I do...? I just would hope that it would come natural and she would be happy with what I did. She was more than amazing during my time and still since then. For instance, she said she knew why I wasn't feeling well for a week and decided to stop me from taking a specific medicine so she weened me off of it and it helped with almost everything. Now, my issues are related to different medicine and she has been the one talking with my multiple doctors about changing that as well because while she can't really tell my pain level, she can tell my mood and color and other things.
My son has been battling a cough recently and he went to the doc yesterday and he assures us that he did NOT have blasto or even pneumonia, what a relief, my god. Not that we really thought it was but it is in the back of my mind every time he coughs and every time anybody gets sick. I've been out now since May and while I am very lucky to be where I am, I couldn't have done it without Sarah. For many reasons. I know I should tell her in person more but sometimes this is easier.

Love you,
And thank you..


Friday, November 7, 2014

New Daily Medicine

This week has been one of recovering for me. Last week flat out sucked. I didn't know what was going on with me. I was super extra tired with no energy and my feet hurt more than they had in over a month. I was getting those shooting pains back in my lower legs and feet, I was sweating at strange times and I was a little more grouchy than normal and I cried my eyes out twice. I asked Sarah if any of my pills had estrogen in them! Well, like I said, this past few days this week have been much improved, and my family has mentioned that I seem way better in every way including my color. I guess I must have been going through withdrawals. Fun! I'm weening off my pain pills and my gabapentin for my nerve pain and I think that is a major factor. I perhaps ran my course through them and they probably were not doing anything for me anymore and were only causing side effects. For one, my peeing is getting back to normal, not having to wait and wait for it to happen the last few days has been a nice change. Duh. I'm really hoping that this change in med's will help me out and make me feel better, although I am still prepared for my feet not heeling for several months or longer still. This pain and numbness doesn't help my balance so I use my cane and or hold Sarah's hand most of the time while walking still. I just need to make sure I don't miss taking any of my med's because it throws me off for at least a day. We see my neurologist again on Tuesday next week I believe. So...

As of Tuesday:

6:00 AM (3x daily)
Hydrocodone (Vicodin) - 325 mg 1.5 pills
Gabapentin - 600 mg .5 pill
Sunday I am lowing my Hydrocodone to 1 pill and quitting Gabapentin for each 3 dosages.

10:00 AM
Daily Vitamin - 1 pill
Vitamin C - 1 pill
Intraconazole 100 mg 2 pills (need to take for at least 1 year)
Potassium - 20 mg 1 pill
Cymbalta (anti-depression and pain) - 20 mg 2 pills
Lyrica (anti-depression) - 50 mg 1 pill
Vitamin D3 1 pill (Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday only)

2:00 PM
Hydrocodone 1.5
Gabapentin .5
(Same: lowering and quitting)

10:00 PM
Vitamin C - 1 pill
Intraconazole 2 pills
Potassium - 1 pill
Citrizine (allergy for Intraconazole) - 1 pill
Hydrocodone - 1.5 pills
Gabapentin - .5 pill
Cymbalta - 2 pills
Lyrica - 1 pill

Another "better" thing now is I am taking med's 4 times a day instead of 5 before.
I do not feel depressed by the way. Never really have. Granted, this isn't fun of course and things sure have been tough in many ways. But I do not feel overwhelmed or anxious or stressed and really not depressed. Yes, I get tired, and getting outside and enjoying say the grass on my feet is tough on me, but that is more because it hurts than not wanting to go outside. My doctors and some family have recommend taking some med's for this to be on the safe side, so I figured I better so I don't go do something stupid :-)
Read an article this morning that showed all this cases of mainly minors who were on prescription pills that went whacky and that kind of freaked me out. But don't worry folks, I'm normal.. unless you know me lol.

Feeling better and always blessed,


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Garth Brooks

      As a young kid I remember listening to Kenny Rodgers, Dolly Parton, the Oak Ridge Boys and a few other country artists. For about the next ten years, however, I really disliked country music. Then in the early 90's, right around getting into high school I heard of this Garth dude. Garth... Really? Well I thought I'd give him a try. I really fell for 'The Thunder Rolls' and always watched this video on MTV of all places. I didn't have cable at home back then but spent a lot of time at my friend Chad's house where when we weren't outside doing something active we would be inside watching TV including a lot of music videos and eating pizza. I swear this video was in the top ten for the entire year!
    Didn't totally get into country music the next few years but I still paid some attention to Garth. He was quite the entertaining artist and I think I bought a CD of his, or maybe it was still a cassette tape lol. Then I remember many, many after bars in the late 90's including watching his live performance at Central Park with Billy Joel. That was super cool. Thanks Don!
     The last indoor concert I was at was the Kid Rock-Metallica concert in '98(?) at the Metrodome(?). This will be a little different, as I don't suspect having cases of beer in our hotel room bathtub, nearly falling down the stairs at the concert, missing the opening show because we were at like our tenth bar, and several other things that this post is Not rated for :)
     I'm looking forward to this concert and I know Sarah is super, uber excited. I am by no means a cowboy, will not be chewing snuff, wearing tight jeans or a cowboy hat, but I do expect to enjoy this day. We have his 'live in Vegas' show on DVDS and that is really cool, and I suspect this will be just as fun and even better.o


(10/7/14) Just getting back now, it was an awesome show!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Split personality

So I woke up from a nap this afternoon and jumped out of my bed with excitment because I remembered a dream that's been on the tip of my weird ass brain lately. Ok I didn't exactly jump because that's about impossible. In rehab I used the pool and they had me do 'jumping' excersises which made me feel like a young Michael Jordan, and I kind of felt like that. I have so many dreams that are still hiding somewhere in my head that just won't come back out, but for whatever reason many did today, but mainly this one specifically. I thought of this one in my nap and I got to my computer as quickly as possible to start this post out so I wouldn't forget it.

Ok, so this may not be as exciting for you as it is for me, but hopefully you'll enjoy nonetheless. It is weird and kind of all over the place, but hey, my story lol :)

Well I titled this post "Split Personality" which isn't medically correct I'm sure, but for quite awhile I didn't know where I was and sometimes wondered who I was. There were multiple times where I believed my nurses were people I knew, and specifically women I personally know. Sarah, my Mom, my ex-wife and my sister-in-law were all my 'nurses' at one point. Every time I saw each one they were extra nice and talked to me. It was interesting as they were nice, but they didn't seem to know who I was. I thought maybe because I couldn't talk. Much later on I wondered if they were even ever really there.

When I came through from my coma I remember Sarah telling me about the bar and how someone paid our bills and then bought it from us. Then said we were in a huge amount of debt but she found a friend of hers that if we lived with her and her boyfriend but kept it secretly from her landlords she would pay off our debt. With one catch. We were to choose a baby of hers. Now, this baby was unborn and I was the one who had to choose which baby by - well by grabbing the baby from inside her before the child was born. This lady knew how to 'give us' a boy or a girl by some type of medicine she took. I didn't really know what the hell was happening, and I wondered if I was the right person... I mean Sarah saved me, but am I the same person as before or even at all? I know that whenever we talked about this baby grabbing I would get uncomfortable and Sarah would ask me if I was ok and if I trusted her. It was constant, she kept asking and I didn't know what else to say, or at least try to say then, yes. Well apparently I was out of the mix or did not get the memo because this was, well frankly, weird as shit. I think this had something to do with me wondering about how many kids we actually did have when I was really awake. I remember seeing pictures on my wall in the hospital and was confused about Scarlett and her multiple, multiple twin sisters.

Well, back to my 'familiar' nurses. I remember the time when Michelle, my brothers wife was just my nurse, she was MY nurse, as I was a Doctor and had my own practice. She came in one day to set up the room and to go over the scheduled appointments. Well I was still immobile in my bed but felt the stress of her and my other nurses who came into work and I couldn't get out of bed to see anyone. As the day ended, they cleaned up and closed up shop and I tried to apologize knowing they were upset but I just couldn't do anything about it.
My ex-wife was another nurse I thought I had and she, I thought, pretended she didn't know me. It was rather weird. I would try and ask about Ryan and she would just play nice and do her job and leave.
Sarah was my nurse most often and she, I thought, would be on duty at all times and sleep in the room next door. While 'on duty' she wouldn't act like she knew me, but would just be professional and nice and try to make me as comfortable as possible which I think just made it worse because I was so confused. Was so, so much different when she was 'my nurse' rather than my wife, but was still F'd up in the beginning because of the baby thing like before.
I guess my Mom wasn't seen as a nurse, but she was there a lot and always told me how great I looked. She told me some other things but that's another post. For whatever reason when I saw her, I would walk into the room where she was and she would meet me and hold back tears saying how great I looked and how amazing it was that I made it.

I didn't know who was who, or why these people I thought knew me wouldn't recognize me. Also, every one of these ladies had the most perfect smile and teeth. They were just pristine. I don't think any of this story were dreams, I think I truly thought I was awake and saw all of this. Sarah calls this 'false memories.' Trippy shit to say the least!!
Amazing I didn't get locked up for craziness. I think after awhile I just knew how messed up the things I was saying/seeing I would just not tell anybody about them. I am happy I remember this part
of my time in the hospitals.


Monday, November 3, 2014

High Blood Pressure

Saw two of my Doctors last week and been on the phone with the third and been trying to figure out the best route to go with me as far as my medications go. I started weening off two of them and started two completely new ones in an effort to help with my neurology. For awhile I thought I had improved in a lot of ways, now I'm just extra tired, been sweating easily and am just flat out of energy and my feet have been really sore and have a heavy feeling as well. The Cymbalta medicine I started about a month ago apparently is not supposed to be taken with my newer Zoloft and was told to stop it immediately. This combination could cause seizures and high BP and death. Fun. Then another says to hold off on another and to wait until we reevaluate my meds. So which is it lol. I went to bed last night by ten and didn't really do anything productive until after 3:00 PM which was after two naps anyway. Now I'm about ready for bed again at 6:00. I know the change in weather and more so the change in time can affect people and moods but I never have noticed this before. I mean many times in my life I worked nights at the bar and it would be dark before even going in, which I usually liked, I mean I didn't usually like being at work when it was nice and sunny out! I'm trying to adjust to NOT being a night person and do more during the day, and I'm rather enjoying it. Sarah checked my BP when she got home and it was higher than normal so hopefully that gets better soon.
I don't really have much else to say right now, just needed to vent sometimes I guess.
I'll be back to my normal posting soon, thanks for your patience! And for listening!
Been a few days now since I've written anything so I thought I better check in :)