Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Split personality

So I woke up from a nap this afternoon and jumped out of my bed with excitment because I remembered a dream that's been on the tip of my weird ass brain lately. Ok I didn't exactly jump because that's about impossible. In rehab I used the pool and they had me do 'jumping' excersises which made me feel like a young Michael Jordan, and I kind of felt like that. I have so many dreams that are still hiding somewhere in my head that just won't come back out, but for whatever reason many did today, but mainly this one specifically. I thought of this one in my nap and I got to my computer as quickly as possible to start this post out so I wouldn't forget it.

Ok, so this may not be as exciting for you as it is for me, but hopefully you'll enjoy nonetheless. It is weird and kind of all over the place, but hey, my story lol :)

Well I titled this post "Split Personality" which isn't medically correct I'm sure, but for quite awhile I didn't know where I was and sometimes wondered who I was. There were multiple times where I believed my nurses were people I knew, and specifically women I personally know. Sarah, my Mom, my ex-wife and my sister-in-law were all my 'nurses' at one point. Every time I saw each one they were extra nice and talked to me. It was interesting as they were nice, but they didn't seem to know who I was. I thought maybe because I couldn't talk. Much later on I wondered if they were even ever really there.

When I came through from my coma I remember Sarah telling me about the bar and how someone paid our bills and then bought it from us. Then said we were in a huge amount of debt but she found a friend of hers that if we lived with her and her boyfriend but kept it secretly from her landlords she would pay off our debt. With one catch. We were to choose a baby of hers. Now, this baby was unborn and I was the one who had to choose which baby by - well by grabbing the baby from inside her before the child was born. This lady knew how to 'give us' a boy or a girl by some type of medicine she took. I didn't really know what the hell was happening, and I wondered if I was the right person... I mean Sarah saved me, but am I the same person as before or even at all? I know that whenever we talked about this baby grabbing I would get uncomfortable and Sarah would ask me if I was ok and if I trusted her. It was constant, she kept asking and I didn't know what else to say, or at least try to say then, yes. Well apparently I was out of the mix or did not get the memo because this was, well frankly, weird as shit. I think this had something to do with me wondering about how many kids we actually did have when I was really awake. I remember seeing pictures on my wall in the hospital and was confused about Scarlett and her multiple, multiple twin sisters.

Well, back to my 'familiar' nurses. I remember the time when Michelle, my brothers wife was just my nurse, she was MY nurse, as I was a Doctor and had my own practice. She came in one day to set up the room and to go over the scheduled appointments. Well I was still immobile in my bed but felt the stress of her and my other nurses who came into work and I couldn't get out of bed to see anyone. As the day ended, they cleaned up and closed up shop and I tried to apologize knowing they were upset but I just couldn't do anything about it.
My ex-wife was another nurse I thought I had and she, I thought, pretended she didn't know me. It was rather weird. I would try and ask about Ryan and she would just play nice and do her job and leave.
Sarah was my nurse most often and she, I thought, would be on duty at all times and sleep in the room next door. While 'on duty' she wouldn't act like she knew me, but would just be professional and nice and try to make me as comfortable as possible which I think just made it worse because I was so confused. Was so, so much different when she was 'my nurse' rather than my wife, but was still F'd up in the beginning because of the baby thing like before.
I guess my Mom wasn't seen as a nurse, but she was there a lot and always told me how great I looked. She told me some other things but that's another post. For whatever reason when I saw her, I would walk into the room where she was and she would meet me and hold back tears saying how great I looked and how amazing it was that I made it.

I didn't know who was who, or why these people I thought knew me wouldn't recognize me. Also, every one of these ladies had the most perfect smile and teeth. They were just pristine. I don't think any of this story were dreams, I think I truly thought I was awake and saw all of this. Sarah calls this 'false memories.' Trippy shit to say the least!!
Amazing I didn't get locked up for craziness. I think after awhile I just knew how messed up the things I was saying/seeing I would just not tell anybody about them. I am happy I remember this part
of my time in the hospitals.


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