Saturday, January 3, 2015

Lately on my brain

No dreams or weird stories to write here today. But something has been on my mind for awhile, basically since This one is tough for me to write about but it has been on my mind quite a bit lately so I needed to get it off my chest. The doctors tell me I have PTSD, or at least that I had it, and would have it, and didn't really know for how long. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has several definitions and causes behind it. I don't like to think of me having this as I really always felt it was for those brave men and women in the military, or for those who witnessed or experienced something else (worse than mine) that was terrifying. As I woke up, I didn't really think I 'witnessed' anything, and with my experience I didn't know much about and am still learning things about it. It was maybe two weeks before I even saw a picture of myself or looked in a mirror, which was interesting to say the least.  The doctors gave me tons of medications, and lots of them were to prevent me from remembering what was happening at the time because they said it would have probably driven me bonkers. Drugs to knock me out, drugs to keep me out, drugs for this and that which I have listed before. So, I guess my dreams and false memories and other experiences have been my body's way of coping. Is this better? I am not sure, I suppose so, they are the doctors and know best. I am not trying to downplay what happened to me but I guess I wish there was another term for my situation. I'm not trying to sound selfish or anything like I need a new medical name coined for my experience, it's just that I feel uncomfortable when I am told I have PTSD.

I just finished reading the book Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand which had a lot to do with post WWII trauma's with POW's. Maybe this wasn't the best time for me to read the book. But I wanted to before I see the movie. I enjoy history and knew a fair share about this war but it was a good book to read and learned some things as well. I was sick in a hospital with pneumonia. I had blastomycosis. I lived and nearly died (completely) from it. I said this is tough to talk about because I don't feel like my experience is comparable as to those individuals who struggle with this for what I consider 'better' reasons than my own. Sometimes things will trigger something that I normally can't explain why that is. Whether a sound at the hospital that reminds me of sleeping in and out of memory or something on TV that makes me uncomfortable because I usually can't figure out why. Doctors have continued to ask me if I want to speak to others about what I have gone through, but for one I think I am dealing pretty well with things, and for two I don't want them to prescribe me to anything else as I'm getting annoyed with taking my drugs, needed or not.

Depression. Perhaps I am somewhat in denial, but I don't consider myself depressed, or really that I was or have been. They say that PTSD and depression can go side by side, so I have been prescribed different anti-depressants recently but I think they messed with me more than they should have. My symptoms were more physical than mental and I even gained weight, which was easier over the holidays, but nothing made me feel any better. I stopped taking them.

Ok, I feel a little better now that I have talked a little about this.
Thanks for listening!


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