*Chinese Proverb (written September of LAST year '13)

Back in September of 2013 I started writing. I wasn't sure about a blog or diary or anything like that, but I just felt like it was time write. I enjoy it, and at the same time, had a little more time at that point. It didn't last very long as work got to be more busy during the fall/winter and with Sarah then pregnant it just wasn't something that was the right time to keep it going. So I stopped, and shortly after I got sick. I had almost forgotten about these letters I wrote, as I only wrote them to myself. But, I did save them in my email folder and came across them just today. This was the first one I wrote back then (and the only one I have reread to this point) so I am going to post them on my blog now, starting with this one. Enjoy! Oh, and they are all entirely unedited.

A chart found in an ancient royal tomb in China says it can predict the gender of a baby with 90% accuracy. Strange that the chart is in English. Strange that the pictures of the babies are clearly not Chinese. China has tombs? Well either way, I'm taking my chances with our doctor looking live at our ultra sound to tell and show me if we've made Ken or Barbie.  

Gestation, uterus, leakage. Sickness, cramps, swelling. Hormones, crying, stress. Golly, can't wait.

Why is it that the size of the growing baby seems to always be referred to that of a fruit. I look at my 6 year old and after all these years I see no resemblance of a grape, cherry, orange or anything citrusy or in anyway something I enjoy as a snack. 'Hey its week nine and your baby is the size of a prune'.. No wonder I'm gaining weight, because I am putting the fruit down and eating beef jerky.

Been there, done that. First results are back from the hospital visit and everything is looking good and going great. Healthy baby, boy or girl, it matters not. (OK maybe but I will get back to that later.) Why do names matter so much so early? I remember back in grade school playing that game where you pick where you'd live, how many kids, profession, kid names, spouse and all that crazy stuff nobody was ready for. I have no recollection of any names I ever picked or really any other 'answers' to the game, it was silly and something to pass time, and maybe, just maybe that one of the gamers was someone you liked and would pick our name. Now its different. Need to come up with a name. Now. I really don't see the hurry, I say wait until we get the gender results and then we can talk about names. When my 6 year old was born, we had no clue what names we liked. We didn't find out the gender either, but didn't come up with any list of names. The name just hit us and we loved it and can't see any name more fitting. Now, with this child we are going to find out the gender, but until then, I'm uncomfortable thinking of names. I hear some names and they just don't flow with my last name. I'm not naming my child something that will undoubtedly make it an easy teasing target for as a kid growing up. The 6 plus years since the last time I had a child seems a lifetime ago. Am I ready to do this all over again? Diapers, crying, no sleep, stress, money, formula, family, family, family, doctors, and did I mention diapers. 

I am in a loving family. We all love each other. We are all looking forward to the new edition. Baby will be a blessing and will be loved forever.

Been there, done that.. Really? Have I mentioned that I am 38 years old. My 6 year old is from my previous marriage. I currently work 7 days a week. My kid adores my spouse, and has only known us to be together as we have been for well over 5 years. This is what I love. My family. I'm really adding another? Holy change, wow. Where will I find time, how will I be there to love and support and take care of all the things a parent and spouse is supposed to. I don't know. But I'm going to do it. Not always the right way I'm sure, but I will do it as happily and lovingly as I can. I know there will be time I will feel like scratching many eyes out. But it is up to me to stay strong and supportive. 

7 months to go. Has it even set in yet... 

Been there, done that? Oh.. By the way, I am a Dad. My 6 year old is a boy. He could be the last one to keep my family name going. When I decided it was time, all I wanted was a son. I have one, and I thought I was done, I didn't think I would ever have more children. Well I am now. My wife doesn't know, but if I had a choice, I would chose to have a girl. I don't want to tell her this because I don't want her to get her hopes up. I don't want to tell her because that's what the Chinese chart told her it'd be. I think about a girl because she'd be daddy's little girl, forever. I think about a girl because I think that's what my wife wants. I think about a girl because I want her to marry a great guy and have babies. My side of  the family is very small. I almost feel like I have the duty, no the honor of carrying out my Father's name. A girl seems right. I thought my 6 year old was a boy and I was right. Am I right again? Matters not. But it does. Very weird feeling.

Baby names come later. Painting the baby room comes later. Now it's support and comfort to my wife, and to the growing fruit in her belly. 

I should go now. Wife is sleeping. She doesn't need me, but she does. She sleeps better with me there. This is important. I know this and several other things, I just have to follow through with it and be the person that she fell in love with. I need to be the person she wants to raise a child with. I need us to be there for the 6 year old.  He needs us. I need to take weekly pictures of growing baby, I need to check my phone app on baby changes and be interested in how the little teeth grow, that my fruit pees, that the sex will be developed and known to us soon enough. Diapers. Ugh. 

I am scared. But I realize what it takes. And its amazing.

Week 10, here we come.